No One Is Around
by KaeoticNeutrael
Summary: Sanzo has a secret, a big lusty one. Some of the themes in here are a little...not for kids, so that's why I gave it this rating.


**Kae-chan**: Oooh...Sanzo's got a secret --winks and turns on her stereo to "I Touch Myself"-- and it's really buzz worthy --is nearly hit by bullets-- oi ;.;"

**Sanzo**: I do not!! --struggling to get out of Goku, Gojyo and Hakkai's grip-- DIE, peasant whore!!

-

Poor lighting just barely managed to filter through the layer of smoke that hung about overhead. The room was exceptionally small, consisting of only a coffee table, two small beds and barely enough space left to maneuver around them. Even the bathroom wasn't part of the room, the owners having opted for a communal one at the end of the hall. The sanitary upkeep was far from decent, especially when it came down to the thin and stinking bed sheets, while the roof was rundown enough that it was questionable whether it was wetter outside or in. In a nutshell the room was grimy while the rest of the inn reeked of boiled cabbage and motor oil.

It was very apparent that the accommodations were definitely not at the top of a certain Genjo Sanzo's list, to say the least. Fanning his cards out on the bedspread the priest grimaced as Hakkai won, yet again, and a drop of water leaked through the ceiling and onto the bridge of his nose. He wished the rain would stop so they could get going. Glaring daggers into that apologetic expression the youkai donned he turned sideways towards the noise, vein pulsating at the scene.

"Stop fucking touching me!" Gojyo kicked at the small figure crumpled near the foot of the bed. "Faggot _saru_."

"I'm not even near you, cu-CUM-ber pervert!" Having reared up onto his haunches the childlike Goku bared his teeth, "you take up too much of the fucking bed anyways, pedophile."

"Oi! Are you saying something about me?!" Snatching up the front of the others shirt he commenced to shaking the youth violently.

"Stop touching a minor!" Gojyo face faulted, freezing his actions as Goku broke the hold on his shirt.

"You are NOT a minor, saru!"

"Oh, but you're touching me? Fucking perv."

"I AM NOT TO-!!!"

_Thwack thwack thwack! _"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!" Harisen in hand Sanzo loomed over the two cowering comrades, whacking each one on the head as he saw fit. " I am NOT pleased with these lodgings and I AM NOT IN THE MOOD to be annoyed by two idiots projecting their fantasies onto each other!!" Turning away from them the priest settled back onto the bed with Hakkai, crossing his legs and dealing out another hand to the softly snickering youth. Snarling as they repositioned themselves Goku and Gojyo took up silently glaring at each other from either end of the bed, too fearful of Sanzo's wrath to continue their dispute.

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Cold morning air rushed in from the open window, stirring the golden bangs that hung in front of droopy amethyst eyes. Sniffing delicately the priest wrinkled his nose and pushed the slipping glasses up once again. The inn definitely did not smell any better and the room had not gotten any cleaner, despite Hakkai's efforts to keep it tidy. Playing the mother role, as usual, Hakkai had managed to gather all their dirty clothes and enlist the help of Gojyo and Goku while he went about town running errands. Those three always left him alone, and well enough, for he had no intentions running around like commoner completing petty tasks for others beside himself. In truth they weren't leaving fast enough for him, especially that baka saru who was supposed to have brought him his tea and left already.

Turning his head to peer out the window he took note of the half-breed idiot and absently smiling youkai as they playfully fought for the radio in Hakuryu. Goku should be down there; they should be leaving now, where the hell was that saru?

"Oi, Sanzoooo! It took so long cuz I couldn't find the strainer an-" Bounding up to the priest he stopped short as the distance between them disappeared faster than anticipated, sloshing the contents of a steaming mug onto the pristine robes. A gloved hand shot out to smack the child across his diadem before taking the mug and gingerly sipping the liquid. Placing it upon the table Sanzo straightened his newspaper, not once looking at the youkai beside him.

"Not strong enough, saru," striking a match he lit a new Marlboro, breathing in deeply he flicked a glance into those amber eyes, exhaling the smoke in rings and amused by the way Goku reached for them in childish wonderment. "The other bakas are waiting for your slow ass." The unspoken command got through to his obedient saru.

"Go-gomen, Sanzo. I'll remind Gojyo to get you a pack of cigarettes," turning he flew through the door but stopped abruptly just outside the frame and stuck his head back in, eyes glowing with unsuppressed glee, "You know we're making sukiyaki tonight! You'll like it, ne Sanzo?" Waiting for the barely imperceptible nod from the priest he slammed the door with unnecessary force while calling out one last time, "Ja!"

"Good riddance..." Muttering lightly he sipped at his oolong while listening to Goku's fading footfalls. Turning his head to scan outside the window he watched the enthusiastic child leap into the back and heard the squeal of tires as Hakkai's crazy driving lead Hakuryu down the road.

Minutes passed in silence before Sanzo rose and crushed his cigarette into the ashtray. Drawing a finger along the curve of his collarbone a small shiver passed through the lithe form. Striding to the door he slipped the "Do Not Disturb" sign over his doorknob. Walking around the cubbyhole of a room it began to fade in his minds eye, becoming a luxurious bedchamber of silk and velvet. His subjects would be tied to the posts in compromising positions, of course, as he paced like a predator in search of the next victim. Amber, forest and crimson eyes would follow his progress, the little show he'd put on for them while bidding them look away, mocking a shyness that did not exist in his being. The vision enticed him so that he couldn't stop his hands from roaming across the smooth expanse of his hard chest and rippled torso. He really hated waiting so long for them to leave, it nearly killed the moments...nearly.

Reaching into his voluminous robes the godless priest extracted item after item, all of a questionable origin to say the very least. Sliding lightly lubed fingers beneath the leather of his shirt and over a hardening nipple he tilted his head back and pulled his favorite little buddy out, enjoying the hum of it vibration against his lower extremes as it matched the howl of his rising desire. Breaking through the fantasies whirling round his mind he recalled how Gojyo had once questioned his weight after pulling him from the edge of a cliff face. He had tartly replied that it was none of his business, and considering the items coming into play it most definitely was not anyones business but his own. He snickered lightly, rolling on the waves of self-wrought pleasure, sticky hands reached out to flip the well-laminated pages of a photo album, each picture featuring a member of the Sanzo-Ikkou in some mildly sexual stance. The pictures had been hard to get and as the sheets clung possessively to his glistening skin he couldn't help but feel sorry for the mess he was making on Hakkai's freshly laundered sheets. Teasing caresses all down his body opened him up to take the vibrating rod within and rock to the rhythm it created. Time alone and he still had the sukiyaki to look forward to.

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Scarlet hair drifted across the pale cheek of Sanzo, causing him to flinch and move away from it. Shooting him an odd glance Gojyo picked up the dish of rice and went back to his seat.

"Ne, Sanzo, you don't look too good," The kappa narrowed his eyes in examination, shoveling rice and meet into his mouth as he spoke, "you comin down with something again, buddha boy?" A flying ashtray to the forehead settled matters as Hakkai placed his hand beneath golden sweat matted bangs.

"Anou...you do feel warm, Sanzo," already a motherly tone was setting in not helped by the utterly frightened look in Goku's eyes. Pushing back from the table he rose, taking up a weird stance as he glared around the table. Turning awkwardly he shambled off, bow-legged, to the bed closet to the door. The others watched silently not quite concerned enough to challenge the death glare in those amethyst eyes.

Already keen on the uptake Goku hovered about the uneaten plate of the priest. "Can I eat your food, Sanzo, can I can I can I-" He stopped in shock as Gojyo snatched up the prized spring rolls, shoving them in his mouth with a wide grin. "YOU ASSHOLE!!! Those were mine!" He leaned forward to snatch them back only to have the rice and siapo taken from the plate as well.

"They were not yours, they were sir Sanzo's." At the mention of his name the priest turned but quickly buried his head beneath the pillow a moment later. He was in no mood to listen to the fight about to ensue. Squirming lightly he strived to find a comfortable position to lie in, nothing was easing the ache he had inside; worst of all was the sensitivity of his skin. The slightest touch from anyone threatened to send him spiraling down into lust while other, more apparent things, would rise. The best thing he could think of was to just lie down and relax...

"Oi, Sanzoooo, are you humming?" Goku poked the still form of his master who seemed to be the source of this weird buzzing sound keeping him and the others up. For the past two hours no one but Sanzo appeared to be able to sleep. Poking him again Goku pushed for an answer, "Sanzooooo, seriously, it's annoying. Even I can't sleep...Saaannnzzoooo-" Choking for air the youkai struggled to loose himself from the hand around his throat.

"Shut up!!!! What the hell kind of questions are you asking! Of course I'm not humming!" Throwing down the youth he turned stubbornly on his side.

"Anou...Sanzo...it does appear that the noise is coming from you, though..." Hakkai sat up from his end of the bed, fixing the human with a sharp gaze, "I can almost feel it." An agitated growl escaped from the blanketed lump that was Gojyo.

"Argh, just tell the stinking monk to turn his damn vibrator off so we can all get some rest." Silence greeted his statement broken by a bloodcurdling scream. "SANZO!! I was kidding, man!! DAMN IT THAT GUN STINGS!!!!!" Wrestling with the blonde haired monk for his gun Gojyo rolled them both off the bed, blood flowing freely from the wound on his arm. The half-breed snarled, attempting to shield the blows from Sanzo's pistol butt as Hakkai and Goku pulled the priest off.

"TAKE IT BACK YOU FILTHY ROACH!!!!! TAKE IT BACK OR I'LL KILL YOUR ASS!" Screaming obscenities Sanzo fought Hakkai for his gun before being thrown to the ground, unarmed and surrounded by two glaring youkai and one Son Goku who was in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

"Sanzo!! Are you okay, Sanzo! Did you hurt him Hakkai!?" Rushing to his masters' side the saru knelt by the priest and wrapped strong arms around his waist, burying his head in the startled priests lap. "I won't let them hurt you, Sanzo, I wo-" Lifting his head from the robes he stared in horror at the blonde haired figure, "Y-you ARE buzzing!! Nyoi-bo!" Leaping up Goku proceeded to beat Sanzo atop the head with his shaft. "ROBOT!! What have you done with Sanzo!! TELL ME!!"

A concerned Hakkai grabbed Goku in a panic, restraining him while Gojyo lie across the bed laughing his ass off. Badly shaken but not beaten Sanzo stood and began to hit the kappa across the head with his harisen.

"Oi!! You stinking monk! I'll-"

"STOP NOW!!" A small chi blast whizzed between the two comrades, forcing each to look at Hakkai as he walked to them. "Sanzo, come here, now." Dragging the priest into the corner a muttered conversation ensued, the look on Hakkai's face slowly changing to one of severely repressed mirth.

"Right...right...oh my...." The russet haired youkai fell over in a full face-fault, "YOUR ASS!?" Harisen out and Sanzo did not hesitate in using it to its full extent. "Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai!!" Hakkai fled from the monk and stood in front of the others, clearing his throat while suppressing laughter. "Ahem...ehehe...it appears we have ourselves a little situation here. I am going to accompany Sanzo to the lavatory...and...erm..retrieve a foreign..." unable to hold it in anymore the youth burst out laughing, falling to the floor in tears as Sanzo leapt across the room and stomped on him.

Bewildered, Goku and Gojyo stared at each other, wicked smiles forming on each other's lips.

"I was right? Hooey! I was fucking right on it! Whose the perv, huh, monk??" Snickering he threw himself back onto the bed as Hakkai, Goku and Sanzo left the room in search of a free bathroom. Rolling in chuckles he reluctantly followed, wanting to soak in the moment but not wanting to miss what was coming next.

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Yellow light flooded out from the gap between the door and floor. With the light came the barely imperceptible voice of Hakkai. For three hours the mission had been raging with no apparent signs of success. Outside the door Goku and Gojyo listened carefully, not want to skip one word.

"Can't I just use a _little_ chi..."

"What the hell do you think I am?!?"

"If it wasn't so deep in...geeze.."

"Shut up!!"

"Something your asshole apparently isn't capable of doing," The chink of breaking glass sounded, followed by tsking and soft reprimand.

"Don't talk, just do...dammit..."

"..were you thinking of me when this happened?"

"DAMN IT, SHUT UP!!!!! It's none of your business!"

"Can I use tacks?"

"I am NOT a pin cushion!"

"You obviously like to get nailed..."

"Shut the fu-AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Moments later a tired eyed Hakkai exited, flashing the victory sign before running off to the next free bathroom to wash his hands for an hour. Gojyo bolted upright and followed him, eager to hear the story from an eyewitness. The door slammed shut in Goku's face before he could confront Sanzo and the saru sat down on the floor, waiting. After all...really good questions could wait.

-owari-

**Kae-chan:** I really enjoyed writing this, really. , please, I hope it was cool for a one shot. I'm thinking of doing a whole series of weird things like this, but I dunno, tell me if you liked it.


End file.
